by Gino De Blasio | 5 minute read
There are times when a new product comes to a market and you can’t contain your excitement. The thought that chocolate crumpets could be a real thing is of course one of those times. Then there are other times when you wish the geniuses, responsible for things like “squeezy tea” would put the pens down, start a hobby, like crochet and get something called, a life. The latest PR laden stunt is one of those very moments. “Progrigio is a new Italian sparkling wine aimed at the Prosecco and Pinot Grigio customer to try something familiar but just a little different.”
This, this right here is what would have sent Paul Giamatti’s character in the 2004 film, Sideways, over the edge. Sure, it’s not Pinot Noir, it’s the lesser known brother, much like Emilio Estevez but Pinot it still is. You could imagine the scene; Miles would be tossing barrels like a toddler’s “favourite” toy, he would spit as vigorously as giving directions to Pontypridd in Wales and he would be scratching his head, like every Italian you could imagine, when seeing women in Liverpool get ready on a Saturday morning for Saturday night; rollers, dressing gown and the smell of fake tan included; all done whilst shopping.
It beggars the question, “what happened to you Pinot?”
You were to the wine world, the Mondeo man (1). You weren’t out of place at a wine tasting event, hen party or a 30 something’s female apartment where Bridget Jones would be extolling the virtue of never giving up whilst another cork is popped and more chocolate consumed whilst swiping left on Tinder because “they didn’t look loyal enough.” Of course men are doing the same, only they’re drinking artisan beer in a guise of hipster masculinity and watching Arnold blow something up, whilst swiping right on every picture.
Google search “Pinot Grigio drinker” and you will smugly, or ashamedly note that the best value a Pinot Grigio drinker has is that they are “Chavvy Chic.” Cosmpolitan magazine claims that you abbreviate everything, soz, Elite Daily reckons “you’re free with your heart because you believe in good people”, and the Thrillist asserts that you’re the “girl in the senior dorm who always wears Juicy Couture (2) sweatpants” and apparently, “you nailed it.”
You start to get the picture. Pinot Grigio is a joke. It is labelled as innocuous and uninteresting by many; sommeliers have been known to scoff at an order and restaurants seem to want to fleece the consumer because it is so popular. For Chavvy Chic, this bottled white has as many character flaws as the highly attractive convict, Jeremy Meeks (3) with a teardrop tattoo that is now walking the Milan fashion catwalk. “He’s oh so pretty, shame he was caught carrying a semi-automatic weapon.”
For Chavvy Chic, this bottled white has as many character flaws as the highly attractive convict, Jeremy Meeks
And yet it is so surprising that Pinot Grigio has this devastating reputation. According to the book, Wine Grapes, Pinot is one of the greatest mutations of a grape variety. Pinot Gris, Pinot Noir, Pinot Blanc, Pinot Meunier, Pinot Teinturier and Pinot Noir Precoce.
You couldn’t say that about Riesling, could you? One grape, one wine…
Food & Drink writer, Lettie Teague spent a month drinking Pinot Grigio to find out if there were any good varieties; “2/3rds weren’t but there are some gems.” It should be those gems that you plump for, instead the whole premise of “a bottle under £5” comes into play and you become as tight as a Scotsman on burns night.
Combining it with Prosecco, whilst admirable for cost reduction, isn’t going to make it any more liked by the wine community, if anything, it’s going to become more chavvy, more couture sweatpants, and encourage more depressing Friday nights watching a Bridget Jones marathon. Progrigio… honestly.
if anything, it’s going to become more chavvy, more couture sweatpants, and encourage more depressing Friday nights watching a Bridget Jones marathon.
It has been described as “wine for w*nkers” and “made by c*nts for c*nts” and those are some of the nicest things I’ve seen on Twitter.
Expect to see Progrigio at racecourses across the land, for the people in the cheap seats, naturally. Look out for cocktails made with the stuff, sure to set you against Pinot in every way imaginable, and don’t ever imagine it being served in Italy or anywhere else by that matter; this is only something that the UK could do to make Pinot look more ridiculous.
There are sometimes that collaborations can be that genius moment we all wait for; John Mayer and Jay Z riffing on stage is precisely one of those, but when it comes to Prosecco and Pinot Grigio maybe we should just leave be; after all, those free hearts and abbreviating souls need an outlet that isn’t tainted by pure poor taste.
1) Mondeo man is the kind of person that has given up all hope. Typically in their mid 30s with a balding patch and child. They will later go on to trying to build a caterham sports car in their garage whilst dealing with divorce papers thanks to, trying to build a caterham sports car in the garage.
2) Couture sweatpants are the height of chavvy chic. Chavvy chic being the ultimate of bad taste designed to be upmarket and classy and worn by people that can afford and should know better.
3) Jeremy Meeks gained international fame for being “the hottest convict”. Other “hot” convicts include Peter Sutcliffe, a man who butchered 35 women but still receives love letters to this very day.